The Beach, The Garden and Another Little Prick

Your roving reporter here, signing in for another update of my dirty life and times. 

Life, as they say, is just one damn thing after another. Yesterday the staff took me back to what they refer to as the V-E-T (they think spelling is beyond my capabilities. Well it may be but smelling isn’t and neither is my sense of direction lacking in any way). Same kennel, slightly different smell because it’s a different V-E-T this time. No brighter than the last one as it turns out. They all seem to approach hands first, towering above me even though I’m on a table which is a bit scary and I respond in the only way I know how - with a verbal warning. They seem particularly insensitive though, don’t understand or pretend not to. Either way they keep coming and I give a second louder verbal warning with some curled lip. The maid holds me tighter which make matters worse really. If she’s tense then there must really be something to worry about cos she’s huge! (Tall I mean, the butler’s warned me about lax terminology. Says it’s got him into some very hot water. Not sure what that means but it doesn’t sound good.) Any road up, my alert status goes from green (squirming, wagging and general obsequiousness which I’m very good at) to amber (growling not wagging) to amber plus (louder growl with a slight curl of lip) to full on red (dental retaliation )as the hands keep approaching. Didn’t connect though, this one is quiiick! Eventually she resorted to the usual bribery and I managed to sink my teeth into something even if it was just a liver morsel. I was weighed again - on the cat scales which is somewhat humiliating and smells of cat wee and feet. I’ve smelled better. Anyway, after a significant amount of blether I got that stinging sensation in the back of my neck again and it was out in to the adjoining room where surprise, surprise there was another puppy the same colour as me. Much billing and cooing was done over this Spaniard I think it was called. Strange ears I thought, how does he keep them out of his dinner? Probably doesn’t ‘cos he smelled as if he was saving a bit of food for later. So, more chat, more hilarity and its back in the tin box with the wheels and home and thank goodness that’s over.

You looking at me?

I’ve just about got the garden mapped out - there’s some steps down to a flat bit grass, some gravel, a bit of jungle which is great fun to stalk things in. Haven’t found any prey yet but I’m sure there’s some in there somewhere. I’ll keep looking. Everything is completely fascinating and some of it is even edible if a bit fibrous. The staff don’t seem overjoyed by my adventures and the ‘no’ word seems to be hurled about like they’re getting royalties every time it’s used. I do try but, hey, life is just so interesting and seems to try and burst out of me without warning. I’m sure there’s a much much bigger dog inside me trying to erupt every now and again. Luckily these fliddies seem to make the staff laugh which defuses an otherwise tricky situation. (I suppose it’s a laugh, there’s a lot of teeth but it doesn’t seem in any way threatening and it’s often followed by cuddles to which I feign resistance because I’m a bloke aren’t I? Secretly I’m rather fond of the cuddles thing.)

Yesterday afternoon I was taken to see another lot of boats which seemed to have wheels this time. Probably some sort of amphibious vehicle. The earth was very soft not stuck together like the stuff in the garden and not nearly as much fun to dig in. Strange taste too with little bits of dark green rag-like vegetation sprinkled around. Try as I might I couldn’t make it squeak, hard as I shook it. There was water too like last weekend but this was a teasing sort of liquid because no sooner had it approached than it withdrew again. Bit of a puzzle but luckily I not bothered by water it was quite salty though. A couple of ne’erdowells ambled up the beach but I showed them my hackles and they mosyed on and left me in peace. 

My first beach trip

Finally, I’ve twigged that the maid’s name is Lynda while butler’s moniker is Tony so I’ll get all egalitarian and call them that from now on. Don’t want to go all David Cameron though I will keep them at arms length - staff are staff when all said and done.

Onward and upwards dear reader. Toodle pip.

Lessons In German and Swimming - A Tiring Day

My goodness, there's a steady procession of humans through this kennel. I think the servants must be interviewing for more staff. They all come in and make a beeline for me which I find somewhat rude really. They haven't even been introduced. Still some of them bring toys which I can only think are some kind of bribe but I have fun destruction testing them anyway which makes the inconvenience worth while - mostly.

Went out in the noisy conveyance yesterday and down to something the staff call ‘the boat’ which turns out to be a sort of floating kennel tied to the riverbank. The staff seem quite keen though so I thought I'd humour them and pose a bit.

I think this is definitely my best side.

The smells were interesting though and at one point I was accosted by an enormous German Shepherd lookalike who was incredibly forward poking his nose into places I’d rather he didn’t. I’m only little so, on the 'discretion is the better part of valour' principle I hightailed it out of there. I’d forgotten about the lead and ended up like a demented animated Swingball with Hermann bearing down on me with a wicked grin. All in all it was not a little scary and the hair on my back went all Sid Viscious on me and stood on end like I’d been electrified which I suppose, in a way, I had. Not looking forward to meeting Hermann again - not much sense of humour.

The day ended with the maid trying to teach me to swim by diving off the jetty in the most ungainly way. The butler dropped my lead, presumably to supervise from the bank, leaving me to my own devices and I made for the jetty to offer some enthusiastic encouragement. There seemed to be a lot of to-ing and fro-ing for a while and the staff got quite wet. I didn’t learn much though and I think they’d forgotten I’m a quadruped so their flailing about was quite lost on me. Maybe I could teach them. The whole episode was very tiring and I slept very well after it.

I have this strange compulsion to follow on the staff’s heels as close as I can get which is slightly hazardous since, if I loose concentration, I sometime get a toe in the snout which makes me yelp and head for the bed. I’m learning to dodge this hazard quite quickly but it’s not without it’s painful lessons. The butler says if I can’t take a joke I shouldn’t have joined which is a slightly brutal attitude IMHO. I’ll show him!

All for now. A bientôt folks.

Sunbathing, Cardboard & A Pain in the Neck

It’s been over a week in this new kennel but I can’t seem to work out my name. Sometimes it seem to be ‘No’, sometimes ‘Sid’ though differentiating between Sid and Sit is not easy for a non-native speaker I can tell you. It’s all a bit puzzling but I think I’m getting the hang of it. The maid keeps putting an itchy band round my neck which I can just about tolerate but then, to cap it all, she attaches another long rope to it and walks me round the garden. I’m sure all will become clear sooner or later but for the time being it’s odd. 

 Can’t complain much since there are useful sun bathing platforms all round the place where I can just chill which, to be frank, I’m quite good at. Perhaps I’ve found my métier in which case this may not be a bad gig when all said and done.

I have all sorts of toys which make odd noises but my absolute favourite is the cardboard tube I sometimes get when the maid or the butler come back from the bathroom. That’s great fun and rips up nicely. I’m currently trying to find out how many pieces I can produce from one of these and how many square feet one roll will cover. My record so far is the whole kitchen but I think with a bit of forward planning I can stretch it to two rooms fairly easily. It’s a work in progress.

Was taken out in some sort of conveyance to another kennel-type establishment which smelled of weird, chemicals with just the faintest soupçon of fear. Odd sort of place but interesting 'cos there were another couple of canines in there, one who didn't speak the language well though he didn't say much and a brown puppy a month or so older than me who did nothing but yap at everybody. Annoying and shrill 'look at me' thing going on. I was suitably aloof keeping a watching brief as it were. In an adjoining room a complete stranger in a very un-fetching green outfit poked me about without so much as a 'by your leave' Oh she tried to ingratiate herself with me and the staff before manhandling me but I saw through the charade I can tell you. Gave her a piece of my mind and no mistake. I wasn't rude but firmly put her in her place. I will not be objectified, it's so last century! She didn't entirely get the message 'cos there was a brief point at which I got a sharp sting in the back of my neck. I couldn't see much but I'm sure she was behind it and me for that matter. I'll have to keep an eye on her, she seems a bit sneaky. Anyway the whole episode didn't last that long and we were back home in no time. The visit  has left me a bit weary so it's off to bed for me. Nighty night.

Puppy Bootcamp - Day 5

Seem to be settling into a routine and I've almost got the servants trained. They're remarkably intelligent once you understand their thought processes and respond well to reward. Failing that body language pretty much seals the deal. Here’s my cute with a hint of menace (note the partially revealed canine which I’ve kept needle sharp on the whetstone of the travertine paving).What do you think? 

I’m well on the way to finishing the initial stages of obedience training. 

I’ve trained them to provide me with a very varied diet and I’ve tried everything from house leeks (interesting but somewhat flavourless), mango (bit of a strange one but not unpleasant), spinach (yuuk), daytime dog biscuit (harder than the travertine) and last but not least, hydrangea flower (great fun but hardly a staple diet). So all in all the diet continues to be interesting and varied.

Still slightly phased by other bipeds in large quantities, four visited at the weekend, two adults (the male was huge, looked like an electricity pylon) and two pups. That was a bit overwhelming and I registered a vocal disapproval when the youngest pup was about to take a liberty. He backed off - no problemo! So life is good, days are interesting and night are…well nights.

Shock and Awe & Strange Noises

Well, that was surprise. One of the more regular visiting couples took me for a drive and didn’t bring me back. It was all a bit scary but they seem nice enough. I spent most of the day in their garden sampling the foliage some of which is quite tasty and some a bit rough. The flowers were yummy though. I’ve got a pen much like the one Mum’s servants put us in with a number of toys with no smell on them except what I take to be shop smell. I guess they’re new. There’s a bed which also smells of new too. It’ll take me a few days to stink them up a bit. There’s a weird pad that i guess I’m supposed to pee & pooh on but my accuracy leaves a bit to be desired and anyway I’m not too keen on being told what to do. If they stay nice to me I suppose I’ll have to make and effort.

The noises are all strange and a bit startling at first but I soon got used to them but every time I get used to one, another come along and sends me scuttling for the safety of the bed. Feeling a bit vulnerable in a new environment but the threat level is gradually changing hue from red to amber. Bit worried about my ears though, they seem to be going towards the elven which to be honest is not a good look. See here…

…I afraid if they stay up there like Yoda I’ll start talking.

Dropped off to sleep OK, missing my sis a bit, she was kinda warm at night. Woke up and it was pitch black but the maid came down and kept me company for while. When she disappeared again I made a bit of a fuss for a time but when it became obvious she wasn’t coming back I settled down and woke to find dawn just breaking and my tummy rumbling for breakfast. The butler was next to appear and after a brief swing out of that odd wiry coat he has grown on his face, I lay on his knee and went back to sleep for another hour or so. He was quite warm (oh no he wasn’t (Ed)) just like sis. Nice to know that the staff are so attentive. 

Ah well, tomorrow is another day.

Hello World, Goodbye Amniotic Fluid

The day is 11 July 2015. The time? How the hell should I know, I'm a dog and time means nothing to me. The only time I acknowledge is mealtime and my timepiece seems to be situated in my stomach which growls periodically and at that point I fill it with whatever is to hand, or mouth in our case.

I'm one of a litter of three, two boys one girl, so there's plenty to go round since mother is a good supplier of milk and it seems to be our job to job to drink as much of it as we can to stop her undercarriage dragging along the ground and wearing out her nipples. We're good at our job. In fact I think I'm the best followed by my brother with sister dearest bringing up the rear though you wouldn't think it to hear the little fishwife. Luckily we were all deaf for the first couple of weeks but when that wore off her grumbling started and it hasn't stopped. God but she's a trial. Girls eh? Boys you can just beat the shit out of but girls they're a whole different case and something stops us guys from being too rough.

Mum's servants seem driven to introduce us to as much new sensation as possible which is something of a pain when all we want to do is eat, sleep and chew the crap out of each other but mainly sleep. This growing stuff is tiring. All the visitors pick us up, hold us to their faces and breath in. Then they make strange sounds and bear their teeth like they are going to take a bite. They don't seem to follow through which is good. Sometimes the same ones come back. I can tell because of their scent. One pair have been 3 or 4 times, mauled us around a bit and then left. I have no idea what that's all  about.

A few days ago we were all lined up, someone pointed a tube at us and there was a sharp click and our humans all made strange cooing noises as they looked at something. I have no idea what was going on but this seems to be the result.

Photo: David Whiteman

That's me in the middle with the elephantine ankles, though I'd have to say that Sis is not doing too badly in the pudgy stakes.Triple cute eh? Wait 'til you feel the teeth. They're shaaaarp.

Getting tired now and need to feed and have a sleep. Mum's not so keen on feeding us now our teeth have come through but her servants give us some strange mushy white/red stuff which is not as easy to swallow as milk so we have to chew it to get it down. Good job we've been practising on each other for a while! Tastes pretty good though and doesn't squeal like the bro when I bite into it. 

Not sure why but I have a strange sense of impending doom. Still tomorrow is another day. Toodle pip for now.